As we celebrated Mother’s Day on Sunday, I couldn’t help but think about the millions of mothers worldwide that must leave their newborn babies in the company of strangers as they leave the hospital (i.e. NICU moms).
I’ve learned countless lessons from the mothers I’ve worked with over the years (you know who you are!). They have helped me redefine motherhood, advocacy and courage. They’re warriors. But it’s the resilience with which they move forward into the world (the kind of resilience only the battle-worn understand) that continues to teach me the most.
In 2010 or so, when NANT was still brand new to the world, I received a note from one such mom. She was NOT someone I worked with in my unit, but she had somehow found NANT and then found me.
She told me a bit of her story then asked if she could send me the manuscript of a book she was writing about her NICU experience. Of course I agreed. I just had no idea what lay in store for me in its pages.
Fast forward to 2012 and this mom-turned-author spoke at the Second Annual NANT Conference, her newly published book, “Preemie: Lessons in Love, Life, and Motherhood” in tow. Many of you met Kasey, and have this book in your possession. It’s raw. It’s unforgettable, powerful and loving.
Here are just a few (of many) indelible quotes: (Kasey’s daughter’s name is Andie.)
Upon seeing Andie for the first time in the NICU: “Splotches flashed in my vision and my eyes went blurry. What was inside that box was something out of a sci-fi movie. That couldn’t be a human baby, so pale, translucent, and alien-like. That could not be my baby. And just as I had this thought I threw up all over myself. I wanted to throw her away and start over.”
“I saw she was more human-like than I had thought. Her eyes were like the eyes of a baby robin I’d discovered as a girl in a fallen nest. Everything was there, just miniaturized.”
“I can’t leave her here,” I said over and over again. “I can’t leave my baby behind.”
“In that moment, the uncertainty I’d felt about my capacity as a mother was gone. I was a mother. This startling maternal protection had risen from my core. I was the woman who would stand in front of a moving train to protect this newborn baby.”
“Life felt like a race. Every morning the checkered flag waved, and I was off.”
“What if we have a child that lives with us for the rest of our lives?”
“I still don’t want to tell anyone she had a brain bleed. People will expect her to fail.”
“Home?” I asked. “Whose home?” We’d been so concerned about Andie’s survival I’d kind of forgotten she’s actually come home. I looked around at the nurses bustling around the room. This is our home, I thought. How could I leave the nurses?
Years later…
“Andie’s doing very well and she’s a delight to have in class. Her movement teacher noticed that Andie is the only one in first grade who isn’t skipping.”
“…then she gracefully skipped from one end of the room to the other…”
This is just a taste of the incredible honesty with which Kasey recounts her story. I’m sharing this with you today because: 1) we cannot assume we understand what NICU parents are feeling OR that each parent feels the same way and 2) because I’ve witnessed how her book positively touches current and past NICU parents in a way that our insights cannot. Period.
Happy (belated) Mother’s Day to the warrior-mothers of the NICU. You inspire.
To learn more about Kasey’s book, please visit: http://www.kaseymathews.com/
(I have no financial relationship to disclose here. I just love this book. ☺)
